here comes the sun.

i'm female to male transgender, and i've always had issues with my body image. when i was younger, i told my mom i wanted to peel my skin off. i still feel the same way, but i'm just now doing something about it. i've been restricting and fasting and exercising like this for only a few months. when i starve myself i feel strong. i take pride in the fact that i can do things other people can't.

my current weight is around 153.2 lbs. at least, it was there last time i checked; i've had a binge in between that time, so i might've gained. god, i'm so scared to see the number go up. but it's all changing now. i'm getting out of this little rut i've fallen in, and the pounds are going to melt off of me.

so a few people know in my life. about my E.D. my friend i told the first time was the one who's the most upset, and he's always trying to fix me or tempt me with food. i told my boyfriend, and he's really concerned; but he said he's going to respect me and not force me to eat, which makes me soooo happy. then my other friend and his girl know; he's just as concerned as my boy, and it turns out that she's a recovering anoretic. small world, huh?

my best friend of several years asked me how i was doing yesterday. i said 'fine', but took that back because it was a lie; i had binged. i felt terrible. and i told her everything, about how i felt like a fat, worthless fucking failure because i ate, and how i've been fasting and restricting. turns out she's the same way. it made me insanely happy to find that out. might be messed up to say that, but hey.

we started a fast today, at midnight exactly. it's going to be for two weeks; i'll have plenty of water, multi vitamins and diet pills to keep me going. i have to get back into exercising again. walking a mile everyday and doing crunches. imagine that... burning calories that i haven't even ingested. i'm so excited to see the numbers drop!!

i've restarted too many times to fail. i have to do this; failure this time isn't an option.