implosions, pauses, irony.

If I keep this in any longer, I'm going to implode. I harbor such an intense frustration for myself - physically, mentally, emotionally - and I don't know what to do anymore. My eating disorder sounds like the perfect solution - but won't that muddle things? Cutting would work, but I'm sick of hiding in that sense. Everyone around me is going so fast and I'm sitting here within these four walls, "stuck on pause". I am in Limbo, between she and him, between life and death, between sickness and health. Everything is so complicated - can't I just sleep for a while, a long, long, while? I read something, somewhere, that said, "I don't want to kill myself, I just want to die."

I hardly have the weight of the world on my shoulders. In fact, I have it fucking easy, but I feel like I can't cut it anymore. I'm sick of being stuck on pause. I'm sick of holding my tongue and my feelings down, where it can fester and eventually boil over. I'm sick of everything, and I'm just so tired. I'm not getting better, I'm getting worse. I need solace, catharsis - gimme a razor, a bottle of ipecac, some benzodiazepines.

I'm so massive, entirely too much all over. Softness. I'd like to whittle everything away, temper myself down like steel.

Everything is fine when I ignore it - when I'm in the company of others. But all I want to do is be alone.

I know that starving isn't the solution. I'll only feel worse in the long run. I'll only alienate everyone I love. I'll only wreck my car crash of a body.

It just feels like the thing to do, right now. I have such a hatred for my body, I'll do anything to take away a bit of the pain. Now I need to work on everything else... It'll be okay, won't it?

I don't want to admit that I'm slipping, again, but I feel like it's imminent. Just a matter of time until I really go off the deep end. I don't know what to do anymore.

I'm on pause - where's play? Or better yet, fast forward?