not the american average.

fasting with a new friend. wish me luck.


i had a bit of a nasty binge today. three slices of pizza, ew. i know that's not a lot compared to some others, but it was enough to reduce me to tears.


i'm at my lowest weight, though. i cannot fuck this up. i cannot get back into the 130's.

low

The psychiatrist put me on two new medicines: Abilify, which I've been on before, and Lamictal, a mood stabilizer. They're sort of grounding me already. I don't feel as wild as I did about a week ago, which is good. They also make me a little nauseous, and my appetite is low. So I'm doing very well lately.

Still flat, emotionally. But I'm focused, driven. I fight off the binge monster pretty well, and I get around to exercising.

I haven't weighed in a few days, but I'm guessing I'm at 129 or lower, which will make me very happy.

overtired

.90 away from being at a new LW.

i have acid reflux pretty bad right now

do i binge and purge, and make myself feel betterawfulworse?

do i continue fasting and go to sleep happy?

or do i restrict and snort some ativan and fall into a deep, deep sleep?

it's been maybe 20+ hours since i woke up. i never stay up this long, usually, but it feels pretty good.

i'm out of it.

note to self: solipsism. tell the psychiatrist about it.

doomsday.

I literally have no appetite, whatsofuckingever. Tons of good food here at dad's - don't want it. I ate a cup of ice cream, though, 'cause I need the sugar. I feel sick. Hm. That'll be it for today.

fuck my fucking life.

I just got my fucking period.

Or maybe it was a miscarriage.

No, it couldn't be, those hurt too bad.

I don't know what to think right now. It shouldn't be there, I'm a fucking boy.

It'll go away again. It'll disappear, and so will I.

I am 133 pounds as of this morning. Getting there...

Don't mistake our kindness for weakness.

That chick got arrested. I'll update more about that, if anyone's interested.

I did really well yesterday and am doing well today. I'm really lazy, so I have to push myself to exercise, and I just did. I think we're going to have a party sometime soon 'cause that chick got arrested. I'd love to celebrate with my friends, but there's a lot of calories in beer... I'm thinking I'll just fast the day afterwards, if it does happen.

I'm very much in love. Pat played me the song he wrote for me and djksahduisauhyoeywa. Sigh.

His birthday is coming up, and I want to do something awesome for him. I'd like suggestions? c:

Ativan Halen, Robberies, Spectrums.

No xanax, but there is ativan. Same thing, really, right? They're both benzos.

I've been playing The Sims 3 like it's my job. There's a perk on there you can buy, "Hardly Hungry". I wish life worked like The Sims, in some aspects.

So, my friends got robbed by a girl who lived there for cheap. She took about upwards of 600 dollars worth of stuff, and only got a bit for it. There's a warrant out for her arrest, but the cops can't find her. She's probably back into heroin. I'm pissed about it - we all have our moments at the hangout where we squabble and fight like a pack of dogs, but, dammit, we're like family and we come together perfectly. How can you DO that? They took you in when you had nowhere else to go, sheltered you until you got on your feet.

That's scummy. Ugh.

Mom got diagnosed with Bipolar II, apparently. She thinks I might be on the bipolar spectrum. I dunno.

terrible.

yesterday was, i mean.

i ate a lot and didn't throw up (trying to stop that). but that doesn't bother me so much, right now. i can, and will, lose the weight. i can, and will, get control back.

no, what made me mad beyond belief was this girl that used to live with us. not sure if i've mentioned her here. we had hung out only twice before she moved in, and it was terrible when she lived with us. she was all, "woe is me" and talked down to everyone, hit on one friend after she shot another down. et cetera. now she's trying to hang out at the pit, where all my friends gather on the weekends. now she's writing all over my mother's facebook wall saying she misses her.

get the fuck away from my family.

get the fuck away from my friends.

you are too intense for us.

you are too fucking much.

get the fuck out of my life.