let it be.

my scale is fucking pissing me off. everything is. i'm somewhere in between 143 and 146, and it changes pretty much every time i step on the damn thing. and i had a binge today. i fell down the stairs ( ha, ha ) and busted my ass at nine A.M. it still hurts at four P.M. i was like, "fuck it", and had some ice cream. then i got mad at myself, and ended up eating more anyway.

can't purge because of the new, painful tongue rings.

guh. tomorrow is going to be better. i hope anyone reading this is doing better than me.

wasted.

i reached my first goal weight at 145 lbs. i'm proud of me, and so is pat. i'm happy that i'm less, but miserable that i'm still so much. it's okay, though. i got my tongue pierced and it hurts to do so much as talk or swallow a pill. so eating really isn't an option for a while.

new goal: 130 lbs. by new years.

i love my family quite a bit. but lately they're been making a lot of jokes about anorexia and bulimia. scarf and barf. eat a sandwich. wipe the puke off your chin.

and i purged that night just because.

ha.

i don't know how i feel today. dirty, maybe. gross. longing, i guess, for lower numbers and something to cut with.

to S.E.- i love you. :D you mean more to me than most and without a best friend like you i'd be a goner. i wish you'd realize how great you are. i know you'll find answers to whatever questions you may have. you're lovely. stay strong. <3

you had me at hello.

i haven't updated in forevereverever. but i'll start doing it again because it makes me feel good.

to be honest, i don't really remember what's happened since my last update, save for a few things.

i didn't lose much, stayed at a plateau.

for about a week or so, i was purging everything i ate, and the intake stayed below 1000 calories. but then my bestest friend ever came back, and things... changed. my intake was great. 100 - 500 calories. down to 149, last time i checked, forever ago.

i did have a bad day today, though. 1000 + plus. couldn't purge. ashamed.

tomorrow will be better. 500 calories and i'll burn off 1/2 of what i eat.

the guilt is immense.