epiphany. recovery.

So, I just had an epiphany.

I'm not going to do this eating disorder business anymore. I never got deathly skinny, but it's like a switch was flipped on today: I suddenly don't give a fuck about it. It's such a feminine thing to do, and I'm sick of anything feminine right now. Go ahead and call me weak or fat or whatever: I don't give a flying fuck.

I've eaten today, more than I have in the past week combined. It's scary, yeah, and I feel myself jiggle when I walk. But IDGAF! I'm going to eat, and I'm going to work out, but not necessarily to lose: to bulk the fuck up and be a god damn man. Wish me luck. :)

skinny.

i'm doing better lately. i've realized i'm not a very good bulimic, because i can only purge small amounts of food at a time. restricting & purging is where its at for me. i reached 134.6 lbs the other day - thought i would never stop smiling. i'm getting there.

on tumblr, i've joined a challenge with a bunch of other people - skinny boot camp. i'll be on team white with about 25 other people, doing the ABC. we start on the 28th and go for 50 days. how much weight can i lose in that time frame? the prospect is exciting.

proven fact: it takes 21 days to break a bad habit, or to train yourself into a good one. not even a month. i'm going to train myself into not bingeing anymore.

i'm tired. but smiling.

mess.

just a biiiig fat mess.

been doing well lately. i'm just still really disgusting. you know? i bought a bunch of mini apples at 25 cents a piece, and they're only about 50 calories a pop. BEST INVESTMENT EVER? i think so. i ran out of laxatives, which is really upsetting. i kind of want to just exercise and restrict - you know, cut out puking and laxatives, but then again i don't. still huge, still disgusting. i have to work harder.

i'll allow myself to stretch my ears when i'm officially underweight, which is 120 lbs. for me.

o, lord, cleanse this earth.

friday: i was at my lowest weight since restricting, 137. i know it's still huge. had only 200 calories.

saturday: 137.40. what? crazy b/p session.

too scared to weigh sunday, had about 500 - 600 calories.

i don't know if my scale is just nuts, or if my body likes to make me freak the fuck out, but i don't like this. i don't like it oooooooone bit.

i'm at like, 300 calories today. i'm scared to weigh myself.

on the cliff by the sea.

it's really boring at my house, lately. i have some books, some movies... but i've read and watched them at least a hundred times each. so i've downloaded some more music, some movies i used to watch when i was younger, some video games. i won't be bored now, haha.

i'm doing better, though. keeping the intake low. i'm tired, though. nauseous. headaches... urgh.