thin.

i just watched the documentary thin.

it made me sad that all the girls relapsed. i'm doing okay, myself, i suppose. fasting for today and then i guess i'll eat tomorrow. hm.

happiness is a number

and that number is 99.

i'm 139.4 lbs., the lowest i've been since i've started restricting. feels great. :')

i did a lot of exercise ( for me ) today. gonna do a lot more tomorrow, 'cause i liked it a whole lot. i liked the swimmy feeling after i was done, i liked the feeling of accomplishment.

that's really it. i'm in a good mood.

dysphagia.

going over to my boyfriend's house is hazardous.

his mom bakes the best cookies. the intake wasn't too terrible over there, but it could've been a lot better.

so no food until tuesday, just pills and exercise.

my mom got these green tea pills that boost your metabolism and help the calorie burn along. in the few days i've been taking it, i dropped to my LW of 141. haven't weighed in a few days, though, and i probably won't until my fast is done.

i came across this website, caloriesperhour.com, and it lets you calculate the calories you burn doing different activities. everything from sitting, to sleeping, to sexual intercourse ( haha ) is on there. i want to burn off at least 500 calories a day ( or 1/2 of it on a lazy day ), since that's how much i usually ingest. so i worked out a little bit of a daily 'regime', if you will.

1 hour 30 minutes walking = 365 calories.

30 minutes calisthenics = 112 calories.

20 minutes stretching = 54 calories.

2 hours, 20 minutes = 531 calories burnt.

very doable. it's not as if i'm doing anything really valuable with those 2 hours and 20 minutes, anyway. time to devote some of my life to exercise.

shoot down the stars.

i'm going to start writing in this a little more consistently. because, hey, someone might be reading this, or will read it in the future, so.

so, updates.

since the last writing, i've gone vegan and have set some stricter rules for myself.

i think my system works for me, and i'd probably, honestly be upset if mine was compromised. as marya hornbacher writes in wasted, "We have systems of eating that develop almost unconsciously.... I would have a hard time putting into words the passion we have for our systems. They are as near and dear to us as any saving God. We know them better than we know the alphabet, we know them in the deepest part of the brain, the way the hand knows how to write, even in the dark. They are the only things that stand between us and total disintegration into chaotic, needy softness, the only things that keep the uncertainty of things at bay."

i know how bad purging is for me, but a while ago when i was purging every day for a week, i lost so much weight. i'll start planning out my days and then purging the biggest meal of the day. mondays, wednesdays, and fridays are water fasting days. i'll lose a lot of weight quickly, obvs. i can't stand being in this body any more, it's too girlish, too curvy, too heavy, entirely too much.